ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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