Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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