In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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