rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
