Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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