Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
