I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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