I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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