The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
