I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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