Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
