Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
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She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize