it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
