I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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