Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
