On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
