oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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