I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
