Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
