you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
