You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
