dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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