I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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