He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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