Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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