I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
