I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
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Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂