Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.