Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
