I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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