I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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