just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
