Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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