I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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