I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
