i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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