i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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