Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
