lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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