I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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