My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish I only lived at night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
