I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
