i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult