enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
