I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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