Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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