Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
