Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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