She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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