You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
