Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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