the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
