I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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