Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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