i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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