Your mouth is God's brothel.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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