My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
as a side note pls kill me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
