You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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