sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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